Confession

So I've come to realize how much better I feel going into the kids' 2nd birthday. And I know "better" is a vague term but I guess it means I feel better than last year this time. I was worried or stressed all of the time last year and the first year of their life. I thought, "what did I get myself into?" a lot that first year. I was never "comfortable", wondering if I could be doing it better. I was exhausted, feeling that I was just floating through life and not experiencing it. There were things I wanted to do with the kids (and Craig), some "firsts" for the family but would quickly decide against it or not even make it an option when my anxiety about it would overwhelm me: what if the kids cried through the whole thing, what if it wasn't "fun", what if it's more work than it should be. REALLY what it was, was that I couldn't relax enough to just LET GO and let life be. Which is hard when you feel like if you aren't 'on' all. of. the. time. you might forget something, 'someone', and it was YOU that dropped the ball. I never shared the responsibility. Sure Craig helped but I felt like why should both of us worry or be exhausted. I took the brunt of child-rearing that first year and felt worked-over by their first birthday. I was ready to run away.

And then the kids started "doing" stuff on their own and there wasn't a baby hanging on you every second of the day. And you start to figure out how to "do" life incorporating babies, who are turning out not to be such babies anymore. And then you realize in order to "live", it's okay to step back and take an hour for yourself, or 5 more minutes in the shower to actually wash the conditioner out, or go to some of the restaurants you enjoyed pre-kids (just maybe at an earlier time so you can be seated away from others). We are growing and learning together. And right now it feels like these are the LONGEST days of my life but in reality we will be sending these kids off to college soon and we'll be wondering just 'where' did the time/days/years go?

And as we plan their 2nd birthday party, life feels just a little more figured out. I always like to have a plan and I like to anticipate but kids do not let you do that! With everything the last year has taught me about living in the moment and not worrying about the things you can't change - I'm still learning to figure that out and to realize it's okay NOT to have everything planned, to decide on a whim to go ANYWHERE.
Which reminds me of...

"You have brains in your head
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
in any direction you choose
You're on your way
And you know what you know
And YOU are the one
who'll decide where to go...

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that
Life's a Great Balancing Act."

~Dr. Seuss